it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.