In America we eat man semen.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
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Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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