Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same