hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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