Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
