well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
