So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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