I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
