There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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