I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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