Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
