Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
