i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
