Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I want her autograph on my taint
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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