i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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