Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
