even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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