I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
what day is it and did you see me today?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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