It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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