I think I died a long time ago.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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