I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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