I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My penis needs a shock collar
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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