U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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