I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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