Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
