im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
