life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
