the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
