I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
