help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
