Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
