I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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