Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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