I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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