She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
