Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
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Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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