i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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