i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
