i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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