his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
