i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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