I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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