the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
