wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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