What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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