I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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