READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
