On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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