Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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