Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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