look no pants
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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