Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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