pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
being pregnant is like rehab
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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