Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
