well I can't set my house on fire every night
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
